“My body”

I quickly understood the racialized and gendered nature of this body. Crenshaw (1991) explains that the racist and sexist experiences of one’s body are interwoven to disproportionately impact those of us who are women of color (for more, see: Crenshaw (1991) Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, identity politics, and violence against women of color). Within this body, racism and sexism was manifested in the abuse perpetuated by the one who said he loves me.

The abuse taught me to only see the otherness of this body

a body that could trigger harassment, abuse, and commodification.

In the cycle of power and control, I was taught that this Asian woman body was “exotic”, “quiet”, and “inferior”. I learned that this body was not capable, could not be trusted, because “Asian woman are bad drivers”, and so, this body could only inhabit his world and only he could take the wheel. He reminded me what I had learned a long time ago: that this body was made to be consumed, to be of service to others.

I blamed this body for being so vulnerable, for being deserving of violence. I continued to diminish and separate from this body.

I tried to starve myself to the point of extinction. I counted every calorie, ran so hard that my knees nearly broke, trying with every ounce of this body to sweat out the toxins that made up this vulnerable body.

Hoping to disappear all together.

.

.

.

It’s been process of healing, restoration, community, and love. Although every day is different, I can affirmatively say that this body is not vulnerable.

Because this body is my body

And my body is indeed

POWERFUL.

- Anonymous