“I have a fear…”

I have a fear, that’s boys only want me around for sex,

I was deep in that belief at the end of my freshman year. I had had a string of random hook ups and I found myself in the Ksig basement during a party. I was in a really bad place and as i descended the stairs I saw my friend from high school. He ran over to me and fell all over me talking about random things, I laughed because that was the kind of relationship that we had.

Fast forward we were talking in some room and he was very intoxicated, suddenly he looked at me and said he wanted to kiss me. I said no I just thought of him as a friend, he tried to convince me, there was no way in all the years I had known him that I hadn’t thought about it, he told me the other girls here didn’t understand his crazy. We were destined to fuck. I said no, I tried to explain that I didn’t want to lose his friendship, that it would be weird, that I wasn’t interested. He kept trying to convince me, telling me that I had to have thought about it wanted it, wanted him.

I tried to show him my scars I had gotten from cutting, from all the hurt the year had already brought.

He confirmed my fear, a boy I had known for years was only interested in one thing, fucking me. I conceded I told him he could kiss me, we were both intoxicated, I didn’t want to just leave without giving him anything I felt bad.

We kissed, it sucked, I got up and he looked at me and said really?!? I said really and are you coming up? He said no. We kind of talked about it later he said sorry, he didn’t remember, he said it wouldn’t have happened with anyone else so I guess that means I’m special.

We don’t talk anymore. I wasn’t assaulted, but I don’t know what to call it. It made me feel awful, I am sad that we can’t be friends but all I see now when I see him is the friend who ignored me trying to tell him I was hurting. That his inability to stop and listen was hurting me.

Sexual violence and harassment has levels and that you shouldn’t feel guilt because someone eventually took your no and you didn’t get raped. I feel guilty of sharing because I feel lucky that my no was taken eventually. This content means solidarity, learning to love yourself, not feeling guilty or dramatic for your feelings or experiences. - Anonymous